Life Sentence #1 OR “SHUT THE F************CK UP…!!” – 4/27/23
One afternoon when I was in kindergarten a million years ago in Malden, MA I got rambunctious. They made us line up at like 1 o’clock to wait for the bell. Pretty sure I was the morning class. Remember that, half days? That afternoon my dad was coming to pick me up. We were going to go to the Revere Cinemas movie theater to see who knows what. All I knew was that they had the TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES ARCADE GAME. I fucking loved that game so hard. It was all I could think about all day. Waiting in line I turned into Leonardo (probably) and pretended to slash with my katana and do impossible jump kicks. I was in heaven in my mind. [Perhaps one of my first roles.] I was telling all my little kinder friends how cool my afternoon would be in T minus 30 minutes.
All of a sudden my teacher, Mrs. Peretti, pulls me out of line. OH, SHIT. I was devastated. I remember nervously trying to make small talk with this other kid being held after school. My face was flush, I was nervous, anxious and most importantly DEVASTATED.
Look, I don’t know what really happened. Maybe I was kicking some kid in front of me. Maybe I punched someone in the back of the neck with my imaginary sword. [I kind of doubt it.] It’s possible I was trying to give someone a full nelson like the Foot Soldiers do you to in the TMNT ARCADE GAME.
The important thing is this: in my 5-6 year old body/brain I experienced: “YOU LITTLE SHIT HOW DARE YOU EXPRESS YOURSELF TAMP IT DOWN, STAND IN LINE SILENTLY AND BORINGLY LIKE A GOOD KID AND SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!! [P.S. How dare you enjoy yourself ever. AND I will smite you with all the force of lord god if you ever have that much fun again.]
I do know what didn’t happen. Mrs. Peretti did not calmly walk up to me and ask me which ninja turtle I was being, tell me how cool my double-katana are, and act amazed at how I could jump kick nearly horizontally across the whole screen. And she did not acknowledge how excited I was or EVEN ASK me how many quarters I would waste trying to whack the Shredder and his clowns. And then ASK ME if I could cool it for like 2 more minutes before unleashing my pizza-eating-ninja-rage. No. None, of, that.
In that moment of overwhelm I committed the most insidious of human acts — I gave myself a life sentence. I made a decision about who and what I could never be. In this case, I decided “I COULD NEVER BE FULLY UNLEASHED AND SELF-EXPRESSED.” Conversely, I decided something like: “I’M A QUIET KID.” Fuuuuuuuuuuuk. And so that become the world within which I lived. Why? Because in my kid brain it was too dangerous to let out the inner turtle, my full kowabunga.
Living inside that decision sucked. I withheld (pretty much everything), didn’t ask for help when I had no idea if Ethan Allen was at Ft. Ticonderoga or what or how to hit a curve ball, and I DEFINITELY didn’t tell Amanda McManus that I thought she was a total babe and even though she was a “cool kid” and I was not a “cool kid’ but that I had a lot to offer. And on and on. Basically, I didn’t share what was inside me. Super sad, I know.
The work is to overturn the sentence. As a coach I help people with this all the time. First, I had to admit how “being quiet” was total horseshit. Actually I had A LOT to say and A LOT going on inside. I wasn’t really quiet, I didn’t actually want to be left alone. As an actor and writer, it’s quite the opposite.
Much like the character in any movie, I spent the first 1 hour and 35 minutes of my life doing a bunch of shit that was totally weak and waste of time. Bullshit tactics. Just a way to DO THE MOST, and DO EVERYTHING POSSIBLE to avoid doing the hard thing that actually needs to happen (in this case: take responsibility and drop the shit.) I made up crazy, sexy, cool fantasies in my head about being with people on desert islands, I wrote people secret letters I never intended to share, I wrote fab poems on school desks, listened to Melon Collie and the Infinite Sadness on repeat in my bedroom on summer afternoons, I stared, I pined, I masturbated, I slowly downloaded Carmen Electra pictures on my 56k dial up modem (thanks, AOl!) and then fantasized about those.
The WORST EXAMPLE – I’m so sorry, Gina – I had MY FIRST GIRLFRIEND for like 2 weeks in 6th grade. We went to the St. Joseph’s Church Feast – for non-Catholics and non-Italians, this is basically a yearly carnival put on in a big ass church parking lot—big ass rides, big ass arcade games, big ass fried dough, big ass stuffed bears to win and all. We met, I guess, went on the Ferris wheel, I guess, and I probably MUTTERED LIKE 7 WEAK-ASS WORDS TO THIS YOUNG PRECIOUS FEMININE SOUL. WHAT.. THE.. FUCK?! I was so ashamed, and probably took a crap after from all the withholding collecting in my abdomen muscles – my psoas was probably like a metal chord by now, storing all the stuck speech acts, likely featuring classics such as: “I’m so nervous right now I don’t want to fuck this up.” and “I hope you’re having fun because this is the best day of my life so far.” and “Wow. I can’t believe how beautiful you are.”
I never said that. The never-saids. All the stuff I never said. When I think about how blindingly, overwhelmingly sad that is – all the missed opportunities, all the love withheld, the sweet acknowledgements that nobody got to hear, all the love that neve got out – I can barely type anymore right now.
Gimme a moment.
Okay. Thanks.
As an adult, it’s more like – Inside Michael’s Head: “ARE YOU FUCKING VAPING ON THE TRAIN RIGHT NOW IN A SMALL METAL CAN FULL OF 57 HUMAN BEINGS WITH LUNGS? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!” – Inside Michael’s Mouth: (low mutter): “mutherfucker” – and then I walk on. Or, Well-meaning Person 1: “Here’s a great idea about some bullshit, what do you think?” – Me: “Sounds cool.” My mind: “WHUT THE F**CK, PLEASE ERASE THIS MEMORY FOR ME RIGHT NOW, I DON’T WANT TO SPEND ANY NEURONS STORING SOMETHING SO ASINNE AND USELESS.
And THAT is why there is lung disease and TikTok “satisfying” videos in the world.
You’re welcome.
I’m sorry.
AND it’s all horseshit.
I declare that who I am is the possibility of being FULLY SELF-EXPRESSED, ALIVE, FREE. UNLEASHED. NOTHING HELD BACK.
AND it doesn’t mean anything.
AND so here we are.
I’m so nervous right now – I don’t want to fuck this up.
I hope you’re having a good time reading this because this is the best day of my life.
It’s just really nice to meet you.